>Thursday August 29, 2002

I’m used to having the gym mostly to myself. During the beginning of the week I work out at 3am. It’s quiet, and I can reflect on things while I do cardio. The end of the week is a different game. It’s 8am and I’m in a crowded, noisy room trying to focus. I find a treadmill off in the corner. I have a clear line of sight to the mirror on the opposite wall. I put on my headphones and tune out the noise while I focus on my reflection. I’m angry this morning. At work, my dedication and priorities have been called in to question. It hurt. I have worked hard for this company for 9 months. It feels like I’ve gone from uber-employee to slacker. For 2 days at work, nothing has gone right. If you ask my bosses, I’m sure they will say that I was not doing well. You ask me, I had great days. Both days I accomplished my goals, I didn’t short cut myself, and I kept my personal promises. No quitting. Tired from a long day? Too bad, you still need to work your 20 minute stretch routine at night. Going to be late to work in the morning? Too bad, you need to finish all the exercises in you logbook for today. No shortcuts, no easy way out. I want this. I want to stop looking for heroes. I want to start being my own hero. I look up into the mirror and all I see is me. It doesn’t matter what others think. It matters what I think. If I’m not giving everything I have, I’ll know. That face in the mirror does not cut me any slack. Tired? Sore? Tough. You made the commitment, you will follow through. As you die of heart disease, diabetes, lung disease, you will not say, “Gosh I should have taken worse care of myself.” As you die, you will not say, “gosh I should have worked another hour of OT.” There is no one to rescue me from this. A hero will not come out of nowhere and make my life better. Mark McGwire will not be able to workout for me. Winston Churchill will not be able to negotiate for me. I need to be my own hero. That’s my priority. That is what I’m dedicated to. This is my body, my life and I will make myself into the very best person I can be. Period. No excuses.