All Souls Day

02 Monday Nov 2015

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Folks don’t realize that “Day of the Dead” is actually a three day long series of observances. It evolved from a fusion of Mexican traditional rituals with Catholic Church practices. It’s a vigil on October 31, the recognition and remembrance of saints on November 1, and remembrance of all souls on November 2.

Last year on November 1 I marked the day with a picture of a little ofrenda to remember Georgia and CancerCat. This year it was a LOT more crowded. This was a brutal year. Some loss was foreseen, much of it wasn’t. If I dig, I can point to all the learning and personal growth that the year since last November 2 has brought me. It’s all learning that sucks.

We fear death, and after the last year I can see why people feel that way. The rollercoaster of emotions isn’t fun. For people who thrive on control, I imagine it’s even worse. I end the night with a prayer to those who’ve passed on, and those who still walk with us. Here is hoping that the next 365 days are a little gentler on all of us.

Writing as a friend

08 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by Clara K. Showalter in Musings

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deep thinks, pen as friend, writers block, writing

I’ve done a lot of writing that I just keep refusing to hit the publish button on. The reasons vary, but the underlying issue is one of perfection. I’ve gotten backed into an uncomfortable mental corner where I feel that every word has to be just right. Every sentence has to be grammar school perfect. Every thought has to be full and complete. Yet that’s often not how my best writing comes forth. My best stuff comes when I start tossing ideas out, then let others interact with them, helping me find ways to refine the thoughts.

Stream of consciousness writing isn’t polished and sparkly, but it’s the fuel that leads to that polished, sparkly stuff. So for now, it’s time to push some of the less sparkly bits out into the world, and see what I get. It doesn’t need to be perfect. It does need a little time to breathe so that I can get comfortable with it again. Writing is work, but for me it’s also been a long time friend. When I can’t view it as that friend, then I lose interest and the overall tenor and quality drops.

Like most friends, you go through phases. The relationship goes up and down. I’ve been in a bit of a down phase. It’s time to push it back up.

Looking for steady ground

04 Thursday Jun 2015

Posted by Clara K. Showalter in Musings

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2015, grief, loss, suicide

A few months ago, the world turned sideways. A dear friend killed herself.

It was unexpected, unthinkable, and knocked my legs right out from under me. I’ve done hospice and medical fostering for several years. So loss isn’t a foreign concept to me. I’ve lost friends and lovers along the way. I’ve lost communities I value, and people who’s opinions I deeply respected.

This was the first close friend I’ve lost. She was the first friend I’ve lost to suicide. You can know in your head all the logical things about death, loss, and suicide. You can experience some of it on the edges of your life, and understand a little bit. You can’t quite wrap your head around it. You hope you’ll never have to.

I can wrap my head around it now. I wish I couldn’t. There are life lessons I am more than happy to never experience. This is very much one of them.

I keep looking for steady ground. I can’t quite find it yet.

Miss you Brit.

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