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A few months ago, the world turned sideways. A dear friend killed herself.

It was unexpected, unthinkable, and knocked my legs right out from under me. I’ve done hospice and medical fostering for several years. So loss isn’t a foreign concept to me. I’ve lost friends and lovers along the way. I’ve lost communities I value, and people who’s opinions I deeply respected.

This was the first close friend I’ve lost. She was the first friend I’ve lost to suicide. You can know in your head all the logical things about death, loss, and suicide. You can experience some of it on the edges of your life, and understand a little bit. You can’t quite wrap your head around it. You hope you’ll never have to.

I can wrap my head around it now. I wish I couldn’t. There are life lessons I am more than happy to never experience. This is very much one of them.

I keep looking for steady ground. I can’t quite find it yet.

Miss you Brit.