A few months ago, the world turned sideways. A dear friend killed herself.
It was unexpected, unthinkable, and knocked my legs right out from under me. I’ve done hospice and medical fostering for several years. So loss isn’t a foreign concept to me. I’ve lost friends and lovers along the way. I’ve lost communities I value, and people who’s opinions I deeply respected.
This was the first close friend I’ve lost. She was the first friend I’ve lost to suicide. You can know in your head all the logical things about death, loss, and suicide. You can experience some of it on the edges of your life, and understand a little bit. You can’t quite wrap your head around it. You hope you’ll never have to.
I can wrap my head around it now. I wish I couldn’t. There are life lessons I am more than happy to never experience. This is very much one of them.
I keep looking for steady ground. I can’t quite find it yet.
Miss you Brit.
Clara Showalter 
I’m so glad you’re writing about this. I’ve been thinking about you, wondering how you’re doing. Always sending hugs. I think you went home recently, I hope it helped. Keep writing!
Thank you. Digging through this is not very much fun.
We lost a friend to suicide last year, and every time I think of him, my head fills up with questions that will never be answered. I absolutely understand the temptation, but everyone thought he was happy. I’m sorry you lost Brit.
Thank you. I can understand why it happened, and in some ways it isn’t a shock. It still hurts.
Suicide is undoubtedly the worst way to lose someone you love. The unanswered questions and the constant wondering if you could have done something make dealing with your grief even harder than it already is.
You know I’m always up for late night insomniac conversations. Bless that +15 hour time difference!
Thank you.